men!

well, i've been stood up for the last time... you would think that after 4.5 years, i would have gained more respect and be more of a priority than i am... i'm not giving up on the relationship, but i am stating that i will not stand for this type of treatment... i realize that i'm not able to be there, and having friends who are there is important... but they aren't the ones who have been supportive through the hard times for the past several years... and they probably aren't planning on being around in another 10-15 years either... i don't ask to be put first... i realize that his job comes first, and then his family should be next... but, dammit, if i'm not in the top three, that's not cool... what happens if i were to find a job and be able to move there??? would it still be the same??? and why am i even trying to find a job there anyway - if i'm not a priority, why would i want to move somewhere just to be treated this way???

i had a dream last weekend that really shook me up... sort of like the dreams i was having before i found out crap was going on in NC... it's strange how dreams can tell you things that maybe you're afraid to admit in real life...

*sigh* i think i'm more hurt than angry this time... and i don't really know what to do... i always feel like a bitch when i call him out on being a jerk, and i hate doing it... but if i don't, then he just continues to be a jerk, and hurts me even more... i'm just afraid that one day, he's going to get tired of me "bitching"...

i've done so well at building my confidence lately, but tonight, it's nowhere to be found... blah... i should probably get some sleep... i do have a long walk tomorrow that starts early... maybe a few miles will clear my head, and i'll figure out what to do...